Waiting Game...

Thursday, August 23, 2012 LAF MGV

Upper Body Circuit Peak Week Day 8, 2 Days Out

Pro:135

Fat: 40

Carbs: 165

Round 1

Lat Pulldown: 45x15           

Flat BB Press: 45x20           

Front Raise: 5            x15    

DB Curl: 10x15        

Lying DB Extensions: 10x15

Round 2                    

DB Pullover: 20x15             

Flat Flys: 15x15        

Rear Flys: 10x15      

Hammer Curl: 10x15                      

DB Kickbacks: 10x15

Round 3        

Seated Cable Row: 45x15               

Inc. BB Press: 45x15

Floor Raises: 2.5x15             

Cable Curl: 25x15                

Rope Press downs: 30x15  

Round 4                    

Low Cable Pulls: 30x15                   

Inc. Flys: 15x15        

Lateral Raise: 5x15              

Preacher Curl: 10x15          

1 Arm Reverse Grip: 7.5x15

Cardio: 30 minutes on the bike

Well this was a pleasant workout. It was nice to have all this variety. I wanted to try and hit a little of everything and I think I did a pretty good job. And I hit some quarter turns after the 4^th round and wow – I look amazing. I haven’t even carb loaded with Saturday’s menu yet!

So I am getting hungrier between meals now. Look likes the hungry beast has awoken. I have not felt this sensation in months. I did not miss it. I assume my cells are getting antsy and are eagerly anticipating the rocket fuel that they know is one the way. Speaking of which, all food is ready to good – minus the Subway Hoagie, which will be picked up on the way. I am also all packed except for a few things that I need until tomorrow.

The excitement is definitely growing – well maybe that is not hunger, but perhaps nervousness? I have been in a numb, drained land for so long that I forgot what all these feelings are. In fact, I have to cut back on the caffeine. I used to drink a couple of gallons to feel normal, but today my heart was palpitating after my first k-cup. Yay!!! I am getting back to normal. I also yawned a few times last night before taking my sleeping aids – yeah, I just want a fully rested sleep.

So all that is left to do is wait. I am way ahead of schedule. I even finished up all of the chapter one outlines for all my classes. I have some other school set up I could so, that is all for now and I will be working on that until sleepy time.

Three...A workout and more blathering.

It is good to keep track of this experience physically and emotionally. So many words at the end.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012 LAF MGV

Chest, Shoulders, Triceps, Peak Week Day 7, 3 Days Out

Pro:130

Fat: 45

Carbs: 185

Incline Bench Press: 45x15x4

Flat DB Flys:  20x12x4

DB Press: 15x12x4

Cable Lateral Raises: 5x12x4

Lying Bar Extension: 20x12x4

Reverse Pressdown: 25x15, 30x15x3

Cardio: 30 minutes on the bike; posing practice – 10 minutes

Feeling a bit ambitious again and I ended up cutting some sets and reps again. But like the past few days, that is ok. I did the bike later in the day, 3 meals in. I had to go to the nail salon for the addition of the fake nails and my polish change on my toes. And not being used to the nails, I promptly poked myself in the eye. LOL! I am ok. My mom checked out and it’s all good, just sore.

I am feeling good today. I ran through my T walk – no problem there. I ran through quarter turns – no problems there. I am feeling this good today – I can only imagine how good Saturday is going to feel. I am feeling the excitement build up, little bits at a time. I am trying to keep myself in check though – save it for Saturday. I tend to get a little hyper. I am just hoping I can harness all this adrenaline and not shake on stage. But I think I can stay focused enough to nail it.

So some more random thoughts popped in my head, now that my brain is functioning again. I had a bit of guilty feelings last night. I am going back to school on Monday and a lot for the girls in my class sorta look up to me like a big sister. This is cool, but I was worried they would see me on Monday and think that how I look now is a good look – in reality. Or even girls who don’t know me and get an unhealthy complex. Some of them are very self-conscience. Like they would think, gee if she looks like that, I can too and then go and hurt themselves trying. Then earlier today, I thought about how they will see the changes over the next few weeks. They are also old enough to manage their own emotions and their decisions are not my responsibility. And last year I looked good prior to prep and dieting so really, this might actually scare them haha!!

Another interesting occurrence, when I left the gym after cardio I passed a Chinese restaurant and I thought, oooh, I could do for some of that. Then I was like, what?? You don’t even like Chinese food!! Shut up. That was weird. That got me thinking about how the whole prep, I was not hungry and I had no cravings. I was fortunate as I know a lot of people are tormented by both during their prep. My personality is very logical, organized, and efficient. So my conclusion is since I knew that if I wanted to get on stage, I had to eat a certain way and that meant excluding many things from my diet that would detract from the overall goal. Therefore, those things no longer exist to me and are of no consequence and have no influence. I can’t want what doesn’t exist. Furthermore, even when I don’t prep, I don’t eat unhealthy foods, so why would this be any different. It isn’t; therefore, no desire equals no cravings. I made sure I ate all of my favorites every day – which fit a prep diet. I always had something to look forward to with each meal. Therefore, I was always satisfied. I just did not have enough to sufficiently produce enough energy towards the end. Once I got higher numbers, things were good again. And, what is really cool – is the increase really only had to be marginal. My conclusion is that I am more conditioned and potentially have a new set point (if you believe in that theory) for my new weight range goals post recovery.

One of the things I am also looking to see is the result of all this dieting – what kind of rebound will I experience this time? I would really like to see a meal plan for next week. I would like to get on some sort of track. Last time, I felt really restricted seeing a post show plan and I was in no mood to follow one. But I would really like to try this time. School starts and I need to get my routine established quickly so I can bounce from one thing to the next. A plan is good to have. It keeps me in check. I may not follow it 100% all day everyday - but I use it as a guideline so I can make food quickly that travels well and keeps me fueled all day.

I'm ALIVE!

Tuesday, August 21, 2012 LAF MGV

Back and Biceps, Peak Day 6, 4 Days Out.

Pro:130

Fat: 45

Carbs: 205

Lat Pulldown Wide: 45x15x2, 60x12x4

Bent Row: 45x15, 65x12, 65x15x1

1 Arm Cable Row: 15x15, 25x15x3

Barbell Curl: 20x15, 30x10x4

Hammer Curl: 10x15x3

1 Arm Cable Curl: 15x15x3

Cardio: 35 minutes on bike. I had to do this later in the day as I ran out of time in the morning. I had an appointment in the city. In fact, I had to cut a set from my last two exercises – and that is ok, but I was feeling done at that point.

I can back for the bike in the afternoon, 3 meals into the day and wow – what a difference. I was powered up and ready to go. I got up to level 7 on the bike and I may have been able to do more. I made the bike shake. I actually broke a good sweat and I started to get winded.

I was actually looking forward to working out today as I drove over to the gym. I felt alive with just the extra carbs put into my pre-meal alone. The day just got better from there.  I felt normal again. Alive. Carbs – a beautiful thing. I had tons of energy and I had a very productive day.

I was still a little over ambitious in my workout planning. I am not strong even if my head is alive again. I did tweak my left shoulder a little bit, but some Ben Gay and Advil took care of that. It was just another old injury that flared up. I did some quarter turns between sets. I also need to formally run through everything a few more times this week. I feel very ready as far as the stage is concerned. I was listening to my T walk song repeatedly. These are all good signs that I am looking forward to Saturday – finally.  I am focused on selling it. And I can do that.

Just need to hang on for a couple more days. The worst is behind me. I am looking forward to gaining weight, hitting new PRs, and being strong again. I liked the energy I had today. I felt like my old self – bouncing off the walls, hyperactive, productive, achieving goals, doing things, cheerful, fun to be around, and alive. My dad even commented that he likes me much better this way. Duh!

One more thing - I stepped on the scale out of curiosity and I was 118 this morning.

Who Knew I Could Get into So Much Trouble in Such a Short Amount of Time. Oh yeah, there are some workouts in these ramblings...

Sunday, August 19, 2012 OFF

Posing Class Peak Week Day 4, 6 Days Out

Pro: 140

Fat: 35

Carbs: 105

This was changed from repeating yesterday’s workout to an off day. Yay! Thank goodness. Not only do I have a serious sleeping pill hangover, I woke up to this severe burning sensation across my entire body. What caused this? The piperine in black ground pepper. How did I come to eat so much of it? Well, that is an interesting story. I opened the container of pepper at the wrong side and I thought I was going to sprinkle, but instead ended up dumping about a half cup of pepper into my egg whites Saturday night. Well, I wasn’t going to waste them and so I scooped out what I could and then cooked and ate them. They tasted awful. And, eating that much pepper in one shot is a very bad idea.

My skin was burning from the inside out. Imagine having put too much Ben Gay on when it is in that heat phase and no matter what you do, you cannot wash it off. The strange thing is that my body temperature was normal and my skin color was normal – but I felt nothing but red. My eyes, nose, throat, and other unmentionable areas were all on fire. The worst was my face though.

I was up all night Sunday night. I researched and researched and found that capsaicin is not found in the black pepper family – only in red peppers. So thankfully it was not capsaicin toxicity – which is fatal. Lucky me. “Piperine overdose is not fatal, but it is very uncomfortable” really???? You don’t say. Unfortunately the rest of that article was no longer available and offered no insight as to how long this was going to occur. I took Benadryl in hopes of reducing the inflammation. Nope. I took Maalox hoping to calm my stomach. Nope. And worst of all I am in prep on a very low carb day and I have already eaten my food. If one more person suggested to eat ice cream or drink milk one more time, I was going to punch them. Hello people – what part of can’t eat don’t you understand. Have you NOT been paying attention all summer or are you clinically retarded? Ok sorry. Finally people got the point as I patiently explained my situation.

Going to the hospital was also out as 1. I knew there was nothing that could be done and 2. they would take one look at me, fill me with fluids and nutrients and thus end my prep too soon. The hell with that I said. So I sat and suffered. All. Night. Long. I kept busy by working on my basement project. I was too pissed off and I worked until I tired myself out. At least there was some productivity. Finally I passed out and got about 6 hours of sleep.

Monday, August 20, 2012 LAF MGV

Legs Peak Week Day 5, 5 Days Out

Pro: 140

Fat: 35

Carbs: 135

Squat: 45x15, 65x15, 95x12x4

Leg Press: 90x12x4

Leg Extension: 45x10x4

DB Lunges: 25x12, 15x12x2

SLDL: 45x15, 65x15, 95x12x4

Seated Leg Curls: 40x12x4

Glute Hams: 10x3

Cardio: 40 minutes on the bike.

So today I discovered that I had no strength. So I did what I could and followed the directions as far as intensity. I planned this workout with more sets and wanted to hit more reps, but that was not happening and that is ok. My legs felt worked but not completely dead. Time to do the bike. Well, I could barely push through level 1. I had to take a tiny 2 minute rest half way through. Wow. I pushed and pushed though and I got it done. Fast? No. Done? Yes.

My energy level was actually pretty decent after my premeal. I had a few power surges during squats and pictured myself on stage and did some quarter turns between sets. But that died down quickly and especially after the bike. I was totally done as far as moving. Walking to my car was a challenge. Back to slow motion moving. I was able to go to Avalon and get all my stuff out. My dad helped. Of course we had to stop every 30 minutes for me to use a bathroom. Luckily I have all bathrooms in the tri-state area hand picked and on my GPS.

Then we had to go to Ocean City to get fudge for my mom – 8 lbs. of it. She was giving them as gifts. Thankfully I hate fudge so this was not at all tempting. The other candies looked pretty, but this is not my thing so going to the fudge shop was no big deal. Now if we had gone to a farm to get fresh produce… well that is a different story. Hence my most recent trip to Wegmans in NJ where I spent $165 on squash. Oh yes I did. One of the butternuts weighed 16 lbs. and was over 2 feet long and about 12 inches in circumference. LOL!!! Oh yeah!

All in all, today was not too bad considering I was breathing hot pepper air every time I exhaled. But the burning sensation has subsided in my body except on my feet and still some in my face. As I type this at 6 pm, the burning is gone in my face and I am starting to become sensitive to the actual temperature again – feeling cold again. I used to hate that feeling, but after the past 36 hours, I welcome it. Of course without being TMI, the heat has not yet completely left my body. Going to the bathroom has been less than pleasant to say the least.

Peak Week Begins

Wednesday, August 15, 2012 OFF

Off from everything and 155 carbs today.

So today was a roller coaster day. I was down in mood and energy prior to eating and I was better about 30 minutes after eating. Then I would just get down again.

I had a spa appointment last night and the girl said to me that I was perfect. She has made comments like this back in June and it really concerns me since she and I have had whole conversations on body image, healthy eating etc. She is really messed up on this about herself. I looked at her and I said, "I am perfect by what the media and the fitness industry has told to us what is ideal, but I am by no means healthy. You have no idea what we have to do to look like this. Be happy with yourself and focus on eating a healthy diet and don't worry about calories so much. If you eat clean, you don't have to count your calories. How I look right now is the result of some very hard dieting and it is not realistic nor is it sustainable for the long term." She would always ask me what I was doing or how many calories I eat everyday. She would tell me how she as counting calories. My patience had pretty much run out on this. I told her that she had no idea what it took to look like this. I appreciate the compliments, but they don't feel what I feel right now. I told her about the mood swings and the extreme lethargy and how some days the mere thought of moving to make food to eat made me want to cry. I told her how daily activities that were once easy and quick for me now seemed to take a lifetime to do and any type of to-do list was overwhelming and stress in the smallest amounts was intolerable. I said to her that I could not wait to regain 8-10 lbs. and get back to good healthy and feel normal again. I said this is ok for the stage and the show, but it is not worth it otherwise. You have to be happy. You have to enjoy life. She said told me she understood. She had no idea. Hopefully she changes her attitude on herself.

I talked to Nicole tonight and she is going to be back stage all day. She said she would be there to help me with everything: meal-timing, pump up, and running through quarter turns. This made me a little excited for the show, as I know she and I and Rosie will have fun. Plus, she knows more about those details than I do and at this point, I can see myself just sitting there like a lump on a log until it is time to get on stage. She will be there to keep me going thankfully.

I also thought about after the show. I thought at this point maybe I would be excited about eating a meal other than my current menu, but I am really not. Despite my moments of hungry popping up here and there this summer, I have had no cravings and no desire to eat. Even when I am very cranky, tired, and drained, I have no desire to eat. Even when I eat my food and I am done my meal, there have been about 4 times this whole prep that I actually wanted more. I just thought that was bizarre.

I was glad to not go to the gym today. I felt like I had gained 2 hours back in my day and I felt like I was actually somewhat productive. I also felt fat and bloated at times the past couple of days – that is very strange too since I don’t look it at all.

Thursday, August 16, 2012, LAF MGV

Quads/Abs Peak Week Day 1, 9 Days Out

Leg Extension: 40x10, 55x10, 60x10x2

Front Squat: 45x10, 65x10, 75x10, 95x10, 105x5

Sumo Squat: 45x10, 60x8, 75x8, 85x8

Bar Lunge: 65x12x3

Abs: Combo crunches SS Bicycle 4x20

Pro: 140

Fat: 40

Carbs: 135

Cardio: 40 minutes bike moderate intensity. Got up to level 5 on the bike today – that was new. I have only been able to do level 2 at the most for a while now. Usually I just keep it at 1.

No posing practice – I think I am fine on this. I am not sure how much more would really help.

I woke up today and I am not dreading going to the gym, which is nice. I won’t say that I am looking forward to going per se, but it does not feel like a death march either.

Check in today. I think the pictures look pretty good for the show.

Weight: 119.8 Wow – back down in the teens. That is pretty cool.

Hips: 33

Waist: 26.25

Chest 35

I wrote a very long dissertation about my ex bf today. Got a lot of stuff out, which was nice. I also postponed one of my key goals until mid-September, which was a huge weight off my shoulders and has been pretty much sucking up all my excess energy the past 2 months. Let’s just say I will be a lot less physically active the rest of this prep. It was also a mental relief too as really; doing anything more than going to the gym is very daunting for me right now and just crushes me. I hung out with Nicole tonight and laughter really is great medicine.

I had a lot of power through this workout. However, I know better than to push it too much. My mind may want to, but I know my body won’t respond.

Friday, August 17, 2012 LAF WAR

Chest Peak Week Day 2, 8 Days Out

Flat DB Press: 20x15, 25x12, 30x10, 35x6, 40x6, 45x6

Chest Dips: 8x4

Incline DB Press: 20x12, 25x12x2

Flat Bar Press: 65x12x3

Pro: 140

Fat: 40

Carbs: 135

Cardio: 40 minutes bike moderate intensity. Got up to only level 4 on the bike today. But, I did practice posing for 10 minutes – just enough to run through quarter turns and practice the T walk. Just like I thought  - perfectly fine. I can hold these for over a minute. I am a little worried that I am going to shake though like I did 2 years ago during debut. Hopefully I don’t. I think if I just stay calm and focused I will be ok. One good thing about being drained is that I don’t have the energy to be anything other than tired (nervous, excited, etc.).

This workout was more powerful than yesterdays – awesome. I love that. I really, really wanted those 45s on the DB Press and I said, go for it – before you are drained and can’t do more. I did it. I needed that little accomplishment. Small wins make me happy – especially when I have not had any in a while.

Taking care or actually postponing my one major stressor was definitely the right thing to do. My spirits are up – and I am not necessarily excited about the gym, but it is no longer the death camp that I had previously felt trapped in.

My dad and I went to IKEA and right in the middle of the store, my body stopped working. He offered to get me a cart and push me through the rest of the store, but I was determined to walk – although it was very tempting to take him up on the offer. I was soooooo super slow. I had to step aside many times to let people pass me. Haha – usually Iam the race walker – but legs were just not having it. The were heavy as lead and my body said hell no, you are not going to go.

Yesterday I wrote this whole long thing about my ex. Today I wrote a shorter essay on why I wanted to do the show. I ran through many theories: timing due to future goals conflicting with a future show? Got swept up in watching the spring shows and caught the bug? Had excess post surgery to shed for the summer and why not just keep going? To show off for my then bf? Sure anyone of them could have had an influence on the decision. I have nothing to prove – I have done this before and I have done it well. So why compete? I even argued with myself about the skills involved. I came to the conclusion that skill on my part had nothing to do with it – at least not during the prep. My trainer has the real skill – how to assess, design, and tweak plans and diets. I just do it. I would work out and eat right anyway so a little less food and a little more cardio is no big deal. But why do I compete?

Finally I answered that question: because I can. And really, I need no other reason than that.

Saturday, August 18, 2012 LAF WAR

Peak Week Day 3, 7 Days Out

Cardio day: HIIT 20x20 spin bike; 10 min warm up; 15 minute cool down

No posing practice – was not in the mood and we have class tomorrow anyway.

Pro: 140

Fat: 35

Carbs: 105

Looking at my plan on Thursday, this weekend is what kind of sent my over the edge. Until I took care of that one issue. One that was squared away – I was all set to hit these two days and get it done. And get it done I did. The HIIT session went well. I had some pretty good speed and I even managed to work up a little bit of a sweat and I even got my HR up a tiny bit. The rest of today was spent resting and cooking my meals. I have to more to go as of right now and then sleepy time.

I have decided that I just have to put the projects that require a lot of physical movement on hold for now. It is difficult to do much moving around. I am a very slow walker. I perk up about 20 minutes after I eat, but that is about it. I go right back to zombie land until I eat again.

I am up to 2 sleeping pills now. Geesh. Never thought I would be dong this, but if I don’t take them, I don’t sleep. Period. That is a shame. And really, they take at least 3 hours to kick in…perhaps I need to go to three? Oh boy.

A Little Boost and Now I am Back to Tired.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

HIIT 15x20 spin bike, quick stretch, 20 minutes posing practice

I am feeling good today despite 4 hours of sleep. I am wired again. I am getting a lot done again. So I will just go with it because I never know when the drop in energy will come. The HIIT session went well and I actually sweated a tiny bit. I was more sensitive to temperature today. Wow – it has been warm this summer hasn’t it.

I am worried about my rear pose. I am trying to get those lats wide. I have got the front and sides down pat. But the back is hard. I need to see it in order to make the connection with the feeling I should have and this is proving hard to do. I will keep working on it.

Friday, August 10, 2012 LAF WAR

Quads/Abs/HC

Leg Press: 180x10x4, 270x8x3

Squat: 45x15, 95x12, 155x6x3

Leg Extension: 60x12x3

Sissy Squat: 12, 20, 12

Abs: Crunches SS Bicycle 4x20

Cardio: 30 minutes on the bike, stretch

Superset the abs with the sissy squats (body weight) and I forgot to stop after 12 on the second set. Haha – wow, a few days ago I would have cried if I had to do one more. Now I forget. Nice! I decided not to do drop sets today because I feel more powerful and I want to take advantage of this pseudo-strength. No posing practice today – I am giving that a rest, plus it is killing me mentally about that back pose. I am going to be fine. Plus we have one more class and I can get more feedback then.

I have a slight tweak in my right lower, inner quad, but it is not really bothering me too much.

Another thing that is nice today is that I am thinking “maybe I can do one more” instead of “god, when is this over???” and dreading the gym. I am not looking forward to the workout, but I am no longer almost crying when I think about moving. Oddly enough, it feels like I am eating too much now. I feel like I am pigging out all of a sudden. I get through part of my meal and I am like, geesh, I still have to eat more? It is amazing what 20 tiny little carbs can do. I am also not peeing every 20 minutes. Now it is about once per hour. I can deal with that. I am more productive when I am not always on the toilet.

Now I also recognize that my mind is strong again, but my body is not. So I have to be careful. I am not going to push it since staying injury free is the game right now. But I am more powerful in my movements. I don’t fade out after two exercises. I can make it through the workout and in a timely fashion. No more zoning out between sets. That is nice too.

I did get hot and thirsty and I even sweated a bit during this workout. I actually feel like I am in my post season again today. Nice!

Saturday, August 11, 2012 LAF MGV

Chest/HC

Slight Incline DB Press: 20x10x3, 30x8, 30x6x2

Flat Bar Press: 45x15, 65x10, 95x7, 65x10

Chest Dips: 12x2, 11x1

Incline DB Press: 25x12x3

Cardio: HIIT 15x20 on spin bike and stretch

Well, I did the whole cool down on the spin bike – warm up too. No cutting it short out of aggravation. The 30x8 on the presses was because I forgot how many reps I needed to do. Hmmm, have not done that in a while. I love that. I would love to go heavier, but I still have to make it through the whole workout. I am in a super great mood today. I can actually feel when those carbs hit my blood stream – it is like rocket fuel. It still does not feel like I am going to be in the gym forever. I did not fade out after the second exercise either.

I am still taking a break on posing practice. I am just hitting poses between sets instead – mainly the front and rear.

I got a solid 10 hours of sleep, but I had to take a sleeping pill. I hate that. But one thing I do like is that I am planning my daily activities and to do list and I am not feeling overwhelmed. Now I think, yeah I can do that and that. Time has also slowed down. Before time would be flying by and I would be moving so slowly. An hour would seem to go buy in 5 minutes. I was like – where did the time go whenever I would do something. Now I am moving again.

I am not guzzling my water as much or peeing as much still. That is nice.

Sunday, August 12, 2012 LAF WAR

Back/Calves/HC

Lat Pulldown Wide: 60x12, 75x10, 90x8, 105x6, 60x12

Close Row: 75x12x3

DB Bent Row: 20x10x2, 45x8, 20x10

Bent Over Row: 95x15x3

Calf Raises: 50x15x5

Cardio: 30 minute bike

I did seated calves today as I was feeling lazy. I had 5 hours of sleep – no pill, but I am feeling ok. I dropped the weight to 60 on the lat pulldowns so I could really rep it out. That was good. Still no formal posing practice. I was hitting the rear pose between some of my sets again – just trying to expand my back and get it wide with the shoulders back and not hunched. I think I am getting it. Overall this workout was strong.

I mixed up the order of my 2 exercises today – oops. Oh well.

Monday, August 13, 2012 LAF WAR

Shoulders/Hams/Abs/MC

DB Press: 15x10x3, 30x6, 15x10

Bar Shrug: 75x12, 95x10, 135x8, 95x15

Front Raise: 20x12x3

SS Rear Delt Raise: 12x12x3

Glute Hams: 20x4

Leg Curl: 50x10, 70x10, 40x10

Abs: Combo crunches SS torso twists. 20x4

Cardio: HIIT 15x20 on spin bike, stretch, posing practice -10 minutes. I did the full warm up and cool down too.

Another solid workout – managed those 30s on shoulder press for 6. It was a push, but I got all of them.

Leg curl was lying leg curl since they have this machine here. I like this gym better actually, but it is 15 minutes farther from me.

I have tweaked my right lat pretty good – may actually be the upper intercostals. But that is ok. This is a very old injury and it flares up from time to time from over use. Advil and Ben Gay and ice will do the trick and I will be fine in a few days. Right quad is good again – that was actually fine 2 days ago again too. I will let the left side do most of my ADL work.

I took Advil PM last night and slept solid.

Abs – superset with glute hams. I like this combo and I can go right through.

Tuesday, August 15, 2012 LAF MGV

Arms/MC

BB Curl: 20x12x3, 50x6, 20x12

Alternating DB Curl: 20x8x3

Concentration Curl: 15x12x3

Triceps Dips: 35, 25, 20

Rope Pressdown: 45x12x3

Reverse Press: 45x12x3

Cardio: 30 minute bike

No posing practice. I am so over it. I just wanted to go home. I have too much to do and I have no more time to spend in the gym. I feel like I have no time to get anything done.

Rope and reverse press downs done on the smaller LifeFitness tower with the lighter option. Triceps dips done on the bench with feet raised.

Ok so I got a solid 9 hours of sleep again thanks to Advil PM and I am groggy today. I am avoiding too much caffeine so I can sleep good tonight. I would like to try and sleep without the sleeping aid for once, but I am not sure if this is a good idea. Tomorrow is a super busy day. Time is starting to fly by again. I was starting to get antsy at the gym again and I am feeling hungry/unsatisfied by my food again. I need more to eat is the feeling. Bummer. I was enjoying the other days, but I had a feeling this was soon coming. I look at my agenda and I just want to cry. I don’t want to move again.

Well, 11 days to go. Almost there. It is funny, everyone is excited about the show and I am not. I just want it over with at this point. I seriously don’t care.

A crash and then I am alive again.

Saturday, August 4, 2012 LAF MGV

Quads/Abs/HC

Leg Press: 180x10x4, 270x8x3

Squat: 45x15, 95x12, 155x6x3

Leg Extension: 55x12x3

Sissy Squat: 12x3

Abs: Crunches SS Bicycle

Cardio: 30 minutes on the bike, stretch, posing practice

Injuries: tendonitis in my right elbow/forearm, but it has not hindered my weight work thankfully – just sore.

Sissy squats – body weight and giant set with ab work. This time I raised my heel on a platform – forgot about that technique.

Got 7.5 hours of sleep, but did wake up half way through. Feeling pretty good after 3 k-cups of coffee this morning.  Last night was rough. I was hungry and very cranky and very preoccupied with food.

I did my squats barefoot since I forgot to bring in my flat sneakers and the Pumas are not comfortable for squats and deads.

The sled for deadlifts is +118.

Sunday, August 5, 2012 LAF MGV

Chest/HC

Slight Incline DB Press: 20x10x3, 30x6x3

Flat Bar Press: 45x12, 65x10, 85x8x3

Chest Dips: 15x1, 12x2

Incline DB Press: 25x12x3

Cardio: HIIT 12x20 on spin bike and stretch

Good energy today, 8 hours of sleep. I was feeling good this morning and I only had 1 k-cup of coffee. I feel like I am moving quickly through the workout – at least I perceive I am. My right elbow is still sore today.

Slight incline press – solid reps at 30 lbs.

Monday, August 6, 2012 LAF WAR

Back/Calves/HC

Lat Pulldown Wide: 60x10, 75x10, 90x8, 105x6x3

DB Bent Row: 20x10x2, 45x8, 20x10

Close Row: 75x12x3

Bent Over Row: 95x15x3

Calf Raises: 100x15, 140x15, 160x15, 180x15x3

Cardio: 30 minute bike

Smith machine calves

I am sleepy today despite 7 hours of sleep and I only woke up once. I have a headache right now. I feel like crap and I don’t want to be here anymore. I have volunteering later and it is going to take everything I have got. Tomorrow is a super busy day. No posing practice because I am working with you tomorrow and I just want to get out of here. This workout is taking forever. I was also hungry from the start of the workout – which I hate. I had 1.5 k-cups of coffee and that did nothing for me. UGH!

Tuesday, August 7, 2012 LAF MGV

Shoulders/Hams/Abs/MC

DB Press: 15x10x3, 30x5, 15x10

Bar Shrug: 75x12, 95x10, 135x8, 95x12

Front Raise: 20x12x3

SS Rear Delt Raise: 12x12x3

Glute Hams: 20x4

Leg Curl: 30x10, 75x10, 35x12

Abs: Combo crunches SS torso twists. 20x4

Cardio: HIIT 12x20 on spin bike, stretch, posing practice with Joe – tweaks made.

Leg curl – seated variety as this is the gym that does not have lying leg curl, which is BS in my book, but whatever.

“Goodbye strength” – quoting Jimmy D Bucco on FB. Yep. My strength is gone and the last thing I want to do is be at the gym right now, which is why I decided to split the cardio from the weights today. I have not been doing that because of how busy I am and also because I just want to be done with the gym already. No more!!!! I feel like I am going stark raving mad. I am complete drained and this morning I woke up with a pain in my lower left abdomen. I felt so sick. I massaged it out though and got on with the day. This was by far the toughest day of all since I started the prep. I had some shaky ones, but this is the one where I actually said to myself, “I quit”. And I had to sit there and say to myself again, “No you don’t. Not 17 days out. You did all this work. You have your suit. You are ready. You can do this.” I really began to question what the point was and why would I do this to myself.

I had a really good session with my psychologist. She told me I was a role model for other women with my healthy self body image. I told her how strangers and other people I even know – including women comment on how great I look. This irritates me. I don’t look good. I look sick. I want to scream at them, “Don’t you know what I have to go through to look like this??? What’s wrong with you???” I look at other women who are softer and think to myself, “Gee, she looks so strong and healthy. I look deathly.” Yes, I look great according to Hollywood standards. I look great according to magazines, but this is no life. I miss feeling strong and healthy. I look forward to regaining my weight and being healthy again. I look forward to eating regular meals again and not counting things every day. I look forward to the freedom of choosing what ever I want and going to restaurants.

I am going to try and hang onto this feeling – or at least remember it while I go through the rebound. I need it to remind myself to not get attached to this look. This is not the real me. The real me is softer, stronger, and healthy. The thought of moving is fun – not a chore. Food is a joy and not the enemy.

She said we had the same conversation 2 years ago right around the same time, but this time I spoke with more conviction about how unhealthy and disconnected I felt from myself. She recommended that I think about what I want out of this sport in the future, after I have recovered. This as something I will think about. I suspect I will be on stage again in the future as I do like the day of the show and I do have a competitive nature – plus it is fun to see my growth and strength progress from show to show.

I wish I were more excited like I was last time. I am not sure why I am not this time. I mean, yeah, I am looking forward to the big day and showing off my hard work. I am looking forward to getting up there and doing my best. But something is circulating in the background and I have not quite figured it out yet. Perhaps when the day comes I will be more excited. This happens from time to time when I have a big event coming up or something happening. I keep myself busy until the day of and then I get all jazzed. I think I will be more excited once we hit peak week and I get to do different things.

Thankfully, I am getting 20 more carbs per day. I am also getting more cardio (HIIT 15x20 every other day), but that is ok because cardio at this point is so easy at the max level on everything. I am a cardio machine at this point. Plus all cardio will be done on the bike, which is A-okay by me. My body does not want to run right now anyway or do anything else but the bike. I am looking forward to waking up and eating food.

It was also check in day today and I am still at 121.0 I suppose no change is a good thing though, rather than going up. Waist at 26.25, Hips at 33, chest still at 35.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012 LAF MGV

Arms/MC

BB Curl: 20x12x3, 50x6, 20x15

Alternating DB Curl: 20x8x3

Concentration Curl: 15x12x3

Triceps Dips: 35, 20x2

Rope Pressdown: 45x12x3

Reverse Press: 45x12x3

No cardio today woo hoo!!! Did the HIIT yesterday and according to the new plan I get to do it tomorrow. Fine by me as that is ALL I have to do tomorrow – besides posing practice.

Rope and reverse press downs done on the smaller LifeFitess tower with the lighter option.

Triceps dips done on the bench with feet raised. I just did30 second rest breaks and kept going until I could no long go.

I stepped on the scale today out of curiosity and I am at 119.8 lbs. Wow. I have not been in the teens since I was 19 actually – and that was not done in a healthy way.

And I feel great today. What a difference a little food can make. I powered right on through this workout and I was moving like lightening with my daily activities – no more sludge feeling while trying to cook or do stuff. YAY! Love that. It is these little things that make me feel like I am alive. Amazing.

I had only 7 hours of broken sleep despite taking a sleeping pill last night. It took 3 hours to kick in too. I think I actually ended up forcing myself to give into it. I would rather not increase the dosage to be honest. I took one the night before too because yesterday was a busy day and it had to start early.

I practice the tweaks from posing and I think I have this down. I am trying to get more confident with it. I was really nervous about it today.