Peak Week Begins

Wednesday, August 15, 2012 OFF

Off from everything and 155 carbs today.

So today was a roller coaster day. I was down in mood and energy prior to eating and I was better about 30 minutes after eating. Then I would just get down again.

I had a spa appointment last night and the girl said to me that I was perfect. She has made comments like this back in June and it really concerns me since she and I have had whole conversations on body image, healthy eating etc. She is really messed up on this about herself. I looked at her and I said, "I am perfect by what the media and the fitness industry has told to us what is ideal, but I am by no means healthy. You have no idea what we have to do to look like this. Be happy with yourself and focus on eating a healthy diet and don't worry about calories so much. If you eat clean, you don't have to count your calories. How I look right now is the result of some very hard dieting and it is not realistic nor is it sustainable for the long term." She would always ask me what I was doing or how many calories I eat everyday. She would tell me how she as counting calories. My patience had pretty much run out on this. I told her that she had no idea what it took to look like this. I appreciate the compliments, but they don't feel what I feel right now. I told her about the mood swings and the extreme lethargy and how some days the mere thought of moving to make food to eat made me want to cry. I told her how daily activities that were once easy and quick for me now seemed to take a lifetime to do and any type of to-do list was overwhelming and stress in the smallest amounts was intolerable. I said to her that I could not wait to regain 8-10 lbs. and get back to good healthy and feel normal again. I said this is ok for the stage and the show, but it is not worth it otherwise. You have to be happy. You have to enjoy life. She said told me she understood. She had no idea. Hopefully she changes her attitude on herself.

I talked to Nicole tonight and she is going to be back stage all day. She said she would be there to help me with everything: meal-timing, pump up, and running through quarter turns. This made me a little excited for the show, as I know she and I and Rosie will have fun. Plus, she knows more about those details than I do and at this point, I can see myself just sitting there like a lump on a log until it is time to get on stage. She will be there to keep me going thankfully.

I also thought about after the show. I thought at this point maybe I would be excited about eating a meal other than my current menu, but I am really not. Despite my moments of hungry popping up here and there this summer, I have had no cravings and no desire to eat. Even when I am very cranky, tired, and drained, I have no desire to eat. Even when I eat my food and I am done my meal, there have been about 4 times this whole prep that I actually wanted more. I just thought that was bizarre.

I was glad to not go to the gym today. I felt like I had gained 2 hours back in my day and I felt like I was actually somewhat productive. I also felt fat and bloated at times the past couple of days – that is very strange too since I don’t look it at all.

Thursday, August 16, 2012, LAF MGV

Quads/Abs Peak Week Day 1, 9 Days Out

Leg Extension: 40x10, 55x10, 60x10x2

Front Squat: 45x10, 65x10, 75x10, 95x10, 105x5

Sumo Squat: 45x10, 60x8, 75x8, 85x8

Bar Lunge: 65x12x3

Abs: Combo crunches SS Bicycle 4x20

Pro: 140

Fat: 40

Carbs: 135

Cardio: 40 minutes bike moderate intensity. Got up to level 5 on the bike today – that was new. I have only been able to do level 2 at the most for a while now. Usually I just keep it at 1.

No posing practice – I think I am fine on this. I am not sure how much more would really help.

I woke up today and I am not dreading going to the gym, which is nice. I won’t say that I am looking forward to going per se, but it does not feel like a death march either.

Check in today. I think the pictures look pretty good for the show.

Weight: 119.8 Wow – back down in the teens. That is pretty cool.

Hips: 33

Waist: 26.25

Chest 35

I wrote a very long dissertation about my ex bf today. Got a lot of stuff out, which was nice. I also postponed one of my key goals until mid-September, which was a huge weight off my shoulders and has been pretty much sucking up all my excess energy the past 2 months. Let’s just say I will be a lot less physically active the rest of this prep. It was also a mental relief too as really; doing anything more than going to the gym is very daunting for me right now and just crushes me. I hung out with Nicole tonight and laughter really is great medicine.

I had a lot of power through this workout. However, I know better than to push it too much. My mind may want to, but I know my body won’t respond.

Friday, August 17, 2012 LAF WAR

Chest Peak Week Day 2, 8 Days Out

Flat DB Press: 20x15, 25x12, 30x10, 35x6, 40x6, 45x6

Chest Dips: 8x4

Incline DB Press: 20x12, 25x12x2

Flat Bar Press: 65x12x3

Pro: 140

Fat: 40

Carbs: 135

Cardio: 40 minutes bike moderate intensity. Got up to only level 4 on the bike today. But, I did practice posing for 10 minutes – just enough to run through quarter turns and practice the T walk. Just like I thought  - perfectly fine. I can hold these for over a minute. I am a little worried that I am going to shake though like I did 2 years ago during debut. Hopefully I don’t. I think if I just stay calm and focused I will be ok. One good thing about being drained is that I don’t have the energy to be anything other than tired (nervous, excited, etc.).

This workout was more powerful than yesterdays – awesome. I love that. I really, really wanted those 45s on the DB Press and I said, go for it – before you are drained and can’t do more. I did it. I needed that little accomplishment. Small wins make me happy – especially when I have not had any in a while.

Taking care or actually postponing my one major stressor was definitely the right thing to do. My spirits are up – and I am not necessarily excited about the gym, but it is no longer the death camp that I had previously felt trapped in.

My dad and I went to IKEA and right in the middle of the store, my body stopped working. He offered to get me a cart and push me through the rest of the store, but I was determined to walk – although it was very tempting to take him up on the offer. I was soooooo super slow. I had to step aside many times to let people pass me. Haha – usually Iam the race walker – but legs were just not having it. The were heavy as lead and my body said hell no, you are not going to go.

Yesterday I wrote this whole long thing about my ex. Today I wrote a shorter essay on why I wanted to do the show. I ran through many theories: timing due to future goals conflicting with a future show? Got swept up in watching the spring shows and caught the bug? Had excess post surgery to shed for the summer and why not just keep going? To show off for my then bf? Sure anyone of them could have had an influence on the decision. I have nothing to prove – I have done this before and I have done it well. So why compete? I even argued with myself about the skills involved. I came to the conclusion that skill on my part had nothing to do with it – at least not during the prep. My trainer has the real skill – how to assess, design, and tweak plans and diets. I just do it. I would work out and eat right anyway so a little less food and a little more cardio is no big deal. But why do I compete?

Finally I answered that question: because I can. And really, I need no other reason than that.

Saturday, August 18, 2012 LAF WAR

Peak Week Day 3, 7 Days Out

Cardio day: HIIT 20x20 spin bike; 10 min warm up; 15 minute cool down

No posing practice – was not in the mood and we have class tomorrow anyway.

Pro: 140

Fat: 35

Carbs: 105

Looking at my plan on Thursday, this weekend is what kind of sent my over the edge. Until I took care of that one issue. One that was squared away – I was all set to hit these two days and get it done. And get it done I did. The HIIT session went well. I had some pretty good speed and I even managed to work up a little bit of a sweat and I even got my HR up a tiny bit. The rest of today was spent resting and cooking my meals. I have to more to go as of right now and then sleepy time.

I have decided that I just have to put the projects that require a lot of physical movement on hold for now. It is difficult to do much moving around. I am a very slow walker. I perk up about 20 minutes after I eat, but that is about it. I go right back to zombie land until I eat again.

I am up to 2 sleeping pills now. Geesh. Never thought I would be dong this, but if I don’t take them, I don’t sleep. Period. That is a shame. And really, they take at least 3 hours to kick in…perhaps I need to go to three? Oh boy.